Jul. 24th, 2012

fanciful_muse: (Default)
I think the biggest drama-causer in SL is people refusing to set boundaries and stick with them.

I also find it interesting how many people interpret it as "temper" when you do set boundaries, they cross them, and you take subsequent action.

The largest overall policy on our sim is "no drama". I know a lot of people say that, but we mean it, and we back up our word.

We had a clan member who had caused a boatload of drama not long after we took over our clan. He was sat down and told, with no uncertain terms, that if he didn't stop it, he would be out. At that time, he stopped it and for awhile, things were nice and peaceful and we were working on growing our clan, fine-tuning our roleplay rules, etc.

Then he got the girl he wanted, and even after that, things were pretty quiet - until they got engaged. The girl wanted a nice wedding, and who can blame her? I was roleplaying the Queen of the clan AND her mother, so "us girls" started planning her wedding.

It's my opinion, from a woman's standpoint, that a nice wedding is more for the bride than it is for the groom. Brides love the pomp, circumstance, frills, flowers, and everything else that makes up a wedding. Guys, most of the time, are lucky if they can get their suit on and find the rings in time </tongue in cheek>

We immediately hit trouble. This groom hated weddings; he had never had a wedding in the past, he just partnered whomever he was with. I think that's a part of the reason why he didn't stay partnered to the girls. He did not demonstrate that he understood how to relate to a girl at all. There are times when a girl needs to hear that she's loved. She needs those occasional flowers. There are a thousand different ways a guy can demonstrate that he loves and cares for her, and it's important he go through the trouble. That's true in real life, as well as virtual worlds.

He also had a very bad pattern of making it "all about him" all the time. Anyone who has been in a romantic relationship knows it is give and take. It's never one person's way, all the time - and if it is, it doesn't last long.

It didn't take long for things to degenerate. He started pressing her to minimize the wedding. He started pressing her for a date sooner than we planned; we figured it'd take about a month to do things up right. He started saying he wasn't doing any of these things, yet the potential bride was so upset by what he was doing that it extended into her concrete life and she'd stopped eating.

I finally asked her right out: If this is how he is going to treat you, then is it truly worth the trouble of marrying him? Virtual reality is supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to make you sick and make it so you don't want to eat.

She agreed with me, and shortly thereafter, unpartnered him and threw away the engagement ring. I, in turn, ejected him from our clan, banned him from rejoining, ejected him out of all groups and banned him from our sim. I returned his house and everything in it, refunded his rent, and cleared the space.

HE thinks I somehow talked her into leaving him and acted completely out of a rage. I couldn't have been cooler than a cucumber as I pressed the buttons which erased his existence from our sim and our lives. People like him, who are used to getting their way, who are used to testing a person's boundaries till they break, don't know how to handle it when they run into someone who keeps firm boundaries and will not let them cross them.

I run my virtual life like that. I run my roleplay like that, and I run my concrete life like that. Nobody has the right to abuse me, and if they keep pushing, they end up pushing themselves right out of my life. In a lot of cases, they find themselves 'on the outside' of my friends and family's lives as well.

Every time, they think I either acted out of rage or totally misinterpreted something. They think they can twist, turn, and malform reality so that it's all my fault and I owe them an apology and need to reverse my decisions. It frustrates them to no end when I "stay on message" and refuse to let them form a new reality out of the old.

This is why people trust me, and why they know they can depend on me. I am consistent in my actions. I make my boundaries known, and I don't allow others to blatantly cross them. I look after those who want me to look after them, and behave in like manner.

Sometimes it IS black and white and NOT shades of grey.

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fanciful_muse: (Default)
Marie Wonka

December 2012

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