What now?

Nov. 16th, 2012 12:18 am
fanciful_muse: (Default)
[personal profile] fanciful_muse
If there's one thing you discover, after spending enough time in virtual worlds, is the experience causes you to look inside, to question yourself, to perhaps ressurect talents that were dormant, or better define your beliefs in certain things.

It will, definitely, lead you to ask yourself just where you fit in.

For every person you meet, for every venue you attend, you will find differences that people tend to cluster around. I am avoiding the use of the word "clique", mainly because I don't think a lot do it for that sake, but simply because it's human nature to gravitate toward that which rings true with you, makes you feel like you belong.

I am at a time in my virtual life where I'm not sure where I fit. I like to wear clothing a lot would associate with BDSM, but really have no driving desire to delve further into that community. I am the leader of a vampire and lycan clan, but because my family is small, I'm finding it hard to feel like I'm an accepted part of that community. I like PG things now and then, but not all the time...and the same goes for Adult.

I think a part of this stems from my current state of being single. I spent most of my time on Second Life being the partner of the same person - so for that to end, forces me to once again redefine myself, whether I like it, or not.

I was beginning to settle in, and get used to being by myself, when a very vibrant and intense personality came along and wanted to be my new partner. Our relationship lasted all of a week and a half, during which we did, in fact, get engaged...then he decided he would rather not be partnered, because there were too many he wanted to date that were actually closer to his RL age.

While I did cry at his leaving, and did get angry after that, I cannot blame him, and I have to give him credit for being honest with me. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt - a lot - and didn't leave me somewhat of a mess, yet again.

I also worry about the fate of our sim and our little family. Things have stalled in the family department, with no new souls coming in, and a few of the existing ones kind of wandering off to do their own thing, and not really inclined to devote time and energy into growing our clan. Hell, let's be honest - quite a few have wandered off doing their own thing and haven't shown any inclination toward growing things right at home.

Here I sit, pretty much alone, and not comfortable with it, at all. I have no problems admitting that I am somewhat of a mess.

What do you do, when everything you've done for the past three years pretty much included a significant other? When even if all your friends were busy, you had at least one person you could always rely on, and now, you don't?

My energies are scattered. A project I should've finished went unworked-on. A project I was hoping would be a huge success has stalled, because I'm having a hard time finding people to staff it. Things that used to bring me great joy, don't right now.

I try very hard to keep a lot of this to myself to present a strong front for my clan...but who does a Queen get to talk to when she's not feeling that strong and capable?

My best friend in all the virtual worlds is offline dealing with a horrific accident that befell her significant other, who is still in the hospital. Hardly anyone else keeps the crazy strange hours I do.

I am at a crossroads but I don't know which way to go.

A lot of people would do an "avatar geographic" - either changing their looks in a radical way, or abandoning their avatars for a new one. I don't want to do either, quite frankly. I'm happy with Marie. I think she has a lot to offer, because I, as her "pilot", have a lot to offer.

I'm just feeling very lonely right now and unsure what to do with myself.

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Marie Wonka

December 2012

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