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Introspection and the Year of Love
Jan. 27th, 2011 01:16 amI often work things out in words. I may not get it all out in one sitting, but I eventually get it out, even if I have to write several posts to do it.
I am sitting here, in my little skyship on Second Life, listening to SKY FM New Age, which is the same radio station they had playing on a beautiful, romantic sim Arman took me to, tonight. Arman is a new love in my virtual life, and for whom I have begun to care about, very much.
I feel very vulnerable and "cracked open". The last few days have been anxious, to say the least. Willy and I are talking again, and I am hearing past his phrases to the hurt within his heart. I caused some of that hurt directly, and felt damned bad about it.
One of the things that has cracked me open (oh thank you so much, Saturn Retrograde and your damned introspection) is thinking about why I didn't act in a more loving manner late last year.
A part of it had to do with things I was going through with M. It was rough going with he and T, and even rougher going with M and I, because issues we still had to deal with were still on the back burner as he tried his damnedest to hash out his relationship with T. Unfortunately, the relationship ended, leaving a lot of baggage behind.
When Willy and I were arguing our worst, I realize, now, that I was dealing with a mild, yet chronic, case of my abandonment-related PTSD. M had elected to get into his relationship with T without first hammering out the issues between us - issues that not only affected my sense of security, but also, my self-image.
I've struggled with my self-image all my life, and it isn't really until the past few years that I have been able to sustain a fairly steady degree of it without having it dashed to pieces. 2010 took a big toll on my self-esteem as I saw M gravitate toward, and fall for, T, leaving me behind without resolution. Some of that came out in October 2009 Samhain when M and I had a huge fight right in front of T, but not all of it by a long shot.
I was M's Slave Companion, but I was never un-collared. It just sort of happened, more due to lack of action than any taken on it. He was having intimacy with T and hadn't touched me in years, outside of a few instances where I gave him one-sided intimacy but it wasn't reciprocated.
Now, I have a high sex drive. This is unusual because I am, after all, on a fairly high dose of Prozac to manage my depression. I sometimes wonder just how high it would be if I didn't have to take antidepressants. Anyway - here I was, with my high sex drive, fully aware that someone else was getting what I wanted and felt I deserved. This caused me all kinds of problems including those with my self-image. I felt pushed out, and secondary to their relationship, even though I was the one living with M. I actually considered moving north to be with Willy at one point, because I was so damned miserable, even though we'd just be RL roommates and my sex drive would still not have a physical outlet.
I realize now that I buried a lot of those feelings. I didn't do it consciously, but there it is. I buried them, something I'd learned not to do. I guess it was a self-preservation mechanism because I didn't know what to do with them and I couldn't see any true path to resolution.
When Willy and I started having problems was when the stress ramped up to an unbearable level for him, at work, late in the year. He alluded plenty to what was going on, but never came right out and stated the breadth and scope of it to me. It's very likely that he couldn't articulate that.
We weren't spending intimate time together, mainly because he had decided to try to make a go of his virtual world business as the start of a way out of his miserable job. He got very narrowly focused on that, and we did very little together, and had no intimacy. Meanwhile, here I am with all these buried feelings, and they came up in the worst ways possible. I was bitter, I acted bitter and defensive, and it all began to snowball between us, till we had the worst breakup of the century at the beginning of last December.
It isn't till now, looking back, from the vantage point of increased serenity, as well as freely-given love from two other virtual lovers, that I can truly see why I had all the bitterness and defensiveness.
I'd already lost M as a lover. I didn't want to lose Willy, but that's exactly what happened.
Ping ping ping goes the PTSD.
The more Willy lashed out and expressed his hurt, the more I lashed out, and yes, things got very ugly. He told me he felt he was damaged. We'd done a bangup job of damaging one another, and the true causes of our strife were outside of ourselves and really didn't have anything to do with one another. Yet, we took it out on one another. Oh joy.
I can't say Willy handled things the best way *I* feel they could've been handled - but neither did I, for that matter, and how he handled them wasn't up to me to dictate (though in ways I tried to do just that). I've learned some very important lessons this week, especially about how I communicate with others. I have learned to deliberately look past the words - especially if they trigger me - and find the hidden meaning, the feelings behind the words. The emotions being expressed. You could say it's a fine-tuning of my own Empathy. I had to do that throughout this week as the two of us talked about what happened. A lot of the words he chose were big triggers for me, but I could make myself look beyond the triggering phrases to what he was trying to express.
I have to stop going on the assumption that others give and receive information as I do. I have found this to be a big failing of mine. I have learned to listen closer, to not let certain phrases and words trigger me. Willy has a way of communicating that can come off as harsh and callous at times, but in reality, it's his inner hurt that is speaking. I need to listen to that hurt, and how I am affecting it. Sometimes it's not my responsibility, but other times, it is. Late last year he felt like a cornered animal, and he had no outlet whatsoever. He couldn't very well let loose on his bosses, so it got directed right back at me. If I'd been more sensitive, and a little less fearful and triggered, I could've listened "beyond" and realized what was going on, and acted in a far more loving manner than I did.
I can hear M, now, saying that I'm justifying things, but I don't feel I am. I am a kinder, gentler person than he is, and while I have to be more careful with whom I express my loving nature, it is against my nature to be an asshole and a hardnose. I don't want to change that attitude; I want to stay open to love and all its forms and possibilities. I don't wish to be bitter and feel I have to bury things because I can see no resolution. 2011 is my Year of Love and I intend to feel it, and give it, to my best ability.
Damage can be healed. I've begun healing mine, and I hope that Willy can allow me to help heal his - at least that which I took part in creating.
I am sitting here, in my little skyship on Second Life, listening to SKY FM New Age, which is the same radio station they had playing on a beautiful, romantic sim Arman took me to, tonight. Arman is a new love in my virtual life, and for whom I have begun to care about, very much.
I feel very vulnerable and "cracked open". The last few days have been anxious, to say the least. Willy and I are talking again, and I am hearing past his phrases to the hurt within his heart. I caused some of that hurt directly, and felt damned bad about it.
One of the things that has cracked me open (oh thank you so much, Saturn Retrograde and your damned introspection) is thinking about why I didn't act in a more loving manner late last year.
A part of it had to do with things I was going through with M. It was rough going with he and T, and even rougher going with M and I, because issues we still had to deal with were still on the back burner as he tried his damnedest to hash out his relationship with T. Unfortunately, the relationship ended, leaving a lot of baggage behind.
When Willy and I were arguing our worst, I realize, now, that I was dealing with a mild, yet chronic, case of my abandonment-related PTSD. M had elected to get into his relationship with T without first hammering out the issues between us - issues that not only affected my sense of security, but also, my self-image.
I've struggled with my self-image all my life, and it isn't really until the past few years that I have been able to sustain a fairly steady degree of it without having it dashed to pieces. 2010 took a big toll on my self-esteem as I saw M gravitate toward, and fall for, T, leaving me behind without resolution. Some of that came out in October 2009 Samhain when M and I had a huge fight right in front of T, but not all of it by a long shot.
I was M's Slave Companion, but I was never un-collared. It just sort of happened, more due to lack of action than any taken on it. He was having intimacy with T and hadn't touched me in years, outside of a few instances where I gave him one-sided intimacy but it wasn't reciprocated.
Now, I have a high sex drive. This is unusual because I am, after all, on a fairly high dose of Prozac to manage my depression. I sometimes wonder just how high it would be if I didn't have to take antidepressants. Anyway - here I was, with my high sex drive, fully aware that someone else was getting what I wanted and felt I deserved. This caused me all kinds of problems including those with my self-image. I felt pushed out, and secondary to their relationship, even though I was the one living with M. I actually considered moving north to be with Willy at one point, because I was so damned miserable, even though we'd just be RL roommates and my sex drive would still not have a physical outlet.
I realize now that I buried a lot of those feelings. I didn't do it consciously, but there it is. I buried them, something I'd learned not to do. I guess it was a self-preservation mechanism because I didn't know what to do with them and I couldn't see any true path to resolution.
When Willy and I started having problems was when the stress ramped up to an unbearable level for him, at work, late in the year. He alluded plenty to what was going on, but never came right out and stated the breadth and scope of it to me. It's very likely that he couldn't articulate that.
We weren't spending intimate time together, mainly because he had decided to try to make a go of his virtual world business as the start of a way out of his miserable job. He got very narrowly focused on that, and we did very little together, and had no intimacy. Meanwhile, here I am with all these buried feelings, and they came up in the worst ways possible. I was bitter, I acted bitter and defensive, and it all began to snowball between us, till we had the worst breakup of the century at the beginning of last December.
It isn't till now, looking back, from the vantage point of increased serenity, as well as freely-given love from two other virtual lovers, that I can truly see why I had all the bitterness and defensiveness.
I'd already lost M as a lover. I didn't want to lose Willy, but that's exactly what happened.
Ping ping ping goes the PTSD.
The more Willy lashed out and expressed his hurt, the more I lashed out, and yes, things got very ugly. He told me he felt he was damaged. We'd done a bangup job of damaging one another, and the true causes of our strife were outside of ourselves and really didn't have anything to do with one another. Yet, we took it out on one another. Oh joy.
I can't say Willy handled things the best way *I* feel they could've been handled - but neither did I, for that matter, and how he handled them wasn't up to me to dictate (though in ways I tried to do just that). I've learned some very important lessons this week, especially about how I communicate with others. I have learned to deliberately look past the words - especially if they trigger me - and find the hidden meaning, the feelings behind the words. The emotions being expressed. You could say it's a fine-tuning of my own Empathy. I had to do that throughout this week as the two of us talked about what happened. A lot of the words he chose were big triggers for me, but I could make myself look beyond the triggering phrases to what he was trying to express.
I have to stop going on the assumption that others give and receive information as I do. I have found this to be a big failing of mine. I have learned to listen closer, to not let certain phrases and words trigger me. Willy has a way of communicating that can come off as harsh and callous at times, but in reality, it's his inner hurt that is speaking. I need to listen to that hurt, and how I am affecting it. Sometimes it's not my responsibility, but other times, it is. Late last year he felt like a cornered animal, and he had no outlet whatsoever. He couldn't very well let loose on his bosses, so it got directed right back at me. If I'd been more sensitive, and a little less fearful and triggered, I could've listened "beyond" and realized what was going on, and acted in a far more loving manner than I did.
I can hear M, now, saying that I'm justifying things, but I don't feel I am. I am a kinder, gentler person than he is, and while I have to be more careful with whom I express my loving nature, it is against my nature to be an asshole and a hardnose. I don't want to change that attitude; I want to stay open to love and all its forms and possibilities. I don't wish to be bitter and feel I have to bury things because I can see no resolution. 2011 is my Year of Love and I intend to feel it, and give it, to my best ability.
Damage can be healed. I've begun healing mine, and I hope that Willy can allow me to help heal his - at least that which I took part in creating.
