Troubles Arising from the Past

[fanciful_muse]

For whatever reason, tonight, I was thinking about an incident from my past that hurt me, very much, and likely contributes to the reasons why I don't want to get involved with any Pagan group or coven in the concrete universe. I am chalking it up to an unusually strong Banishing New Moon.

I was involved in a group who thought they could put me on the "hot seat" in front of them, for a combination of things that were as much their fault as my own. I was grilled, put down, denigrated in front of all of them, and only one person asked what they could do to help.

These people were supposed to be Wiccans, people that didn't instigate harm - and yet, they thought nothing whatsoever about instigating harm to one of their own, harm that, to this day, still affects me.

If I had been stronger back then, it would've been a very short and sweet meeting, and I would've walked out before any one of them had the chance to vent at me. I would've said:

"Would any one of you be willing to take the seat that you just put me in? And if not, what makes you think you have any right to put me here and make me an object of your scorn? Is that Wiccan behavior? I think not. Wiccans strive not to cause harm, and yet, you're getting ready to cause me harm, and I'm one of your own.

Until you can evolve to the point where you know, as I do, that there are kinder, gentler ways to handle conflicts, I am not going to have anything to do with any one of you."

At that point, I would've walked out and not looked back.

You see, these people were going against the stated purpose of the group, the moment they thought they could sit me in a chair and harangue me. Every one of them knew I'd spent 4 years as a veritable hermit after my last husband left, and that it was taking me time to adjust to being social again. That didn't seem to matter, or, at least, they weren't willing to extend their understanding to what that meant for a sensitive Empath like myself.

I can articulate things now that I couldn't articulate, then. Along with this memory is hurt left over from what one member in particular did to me. That member's name is John.

John, you were my spiritual brother. I felt a deep connection to you till you decided it was okay to hurt me as you did. I didn't want sex from you; having that familial connection was enough for me. You destroyed that and it's something that will likely never be repaired, no matter what you do, because of the kind of person you are, deep inside. I would've given you the last shirt off my back prior to that day. Instead, you decided I was a good target for all the unresolved conflicts you have with your ex wife. Later on, you decided to try to scare me and intimidate me into behaving against my nature - and you saw how far that got you. If you've discovered the true meaning of love and not causing deliberate harm since then, I applaud you. The person I remember didn't know the meaning of those words.

It's called hypocrisy, people. You created a group that was allegedly preparing to help others should things in the world fall apart - and yet you couldn't take the time to be kind and gentle with someone who was hypersensitive to both criticism and harsh emotion.

From what I hear, that same group is still the clusterfuck it always was, and why am I not surprised? It's many of the same people who thought it was OK to mistreat one of their very own, all those years ago.

Yes, that time has stayed with me, and first now am I writing down how I felt about it - still feel about it. You all caused a deeply-seated trauma and not a one of you has ever apologized for your actions.

Before you think it's okay to target someone like that - someone that you supposedly love and care for - think twice. Nobody deserves that kind of abuse.

Comments

[dragonhearth.livejournal.com]

Pity you had such a bad experience in a coven. I've been in a coven for the past 20 years (three in succession technically but all the same tradition) and have had my share of bad and good, but the tradition is what calls to me, and it's not for everyone.

I recommend checking out Isaac Bonewitz's cult evaluation framework for ANY group you are a part of to make sure you aren't being taken advantage of.

http://www.neopagan.net/ABCDEF.html

And I hope someday you heal enough from that experience to come out and meet others in your local realtime real world instead of virtual stuff. Because real stuff has that stuff beat hands down if it's a good working group. :)

Take care,

[magyarok-saman.livejournal.com]

Oh there's far more to the story than I put down in that post. See, I and two others (the other two were male, one of them John) founded the group. Things were quickly taken out of my hands, however, and back then, I wasn't strong enough to stand up and say no.

If I get involved in another group, I'd like to be its High Priestess. I was supposed to be in that group and then Keith "decided" that someone else would be. As I said, I should have put my foot down. I am trained as a High Priestess. I have the spirituality to be a good High Priestess...problem is I was never ALLOWED to be a High Priestess. Other people tried shuttling me straight from Maiden to Crone to suit their OWN needs.

Hugs,
L

[dragonhearth.livejournal.com]

Hmm you see the way my tradition works, regardless of prior training, everyone begins in the same place. Some can advance a little faster than others but regardless it is a four year program to reach HPS. We make our people go through training in our tradition, and if an HPS from our tradition but another coven or line came to us, I would ask them to go through at least the first/second year training so they know how we work. I would honor their elevation with a proper vouch from their teacher, but I would still need them to go through the same training everyone else in our group did so that we work in harmony. In addition, they need to be initiated into the group mind (egregore) of the coven, not just of the tradition, and doing this training helps with that.

If you want to be the HPS of a coven, unless you start your own group, that's the way to do it. In our coven our members take turns being HPS for rituals so that everyone gets to learn how to lead.

[jj-maccrimmon.livejournal.com]

This is precisely one of the reasons I tend to avoid or limit my interactions with covens and circles. Much like mainline religious groups, get a group of people together and 'ocassionally' the group will reflect the attitudes or mood of the most powerful personality. Sometimes this can be good, welcoming, healing and embracing. Sometimes it's a reflection of personal bias and hatreds.

I'm sorry that someone put you through this.