The Wanderings of a Fanciful Muse

Today is yet another day I had to take off.

I just took the dog out and stood, looking at the stars, and saying "why do I feel so bad? I don't know...". But I DO know why.

Sinuses flaring, fatigue setting in despite plenty of rest, sore muscles and achy joints...even slight problems with balance.

The last couple of days have been very stressful for me. The problem is, I've dealt with high stress for most of my life, which has had the effect of raising my tolerance as well as not making me aware of when I've hit that level that triggers all my physical/mental disabilities.

The truth of the matter is the last two days have been very stressful. First we had the catastrophic file system failure on the webserver, which scrambled everyone's data into something more colorful (and less tasty) than an omelette...then the whole thing with Keith and Death Girl (again, and as far as I am concerned, for the very last time)...then having to deal with certain people who imposed on my time for their own benefit, despite my making it very clear that I was trying my damnedest to restore my IRC network's main site. Most of this (with the exception of one person, thank you doll_meat, you truly are a sweetheart) required my attention, concentration, and 'armchair therapist' abilities. As a result, I had to delete and reinstall the site no less than three times in a row, till it finally behaved. I haven't restored certain parts of it even yet. I will do so but not today.

Today I took off, and even though I took off, I still found myself in the role of sponsor/armchair therapist to at least two other people. The first case was Keith, and it was a milder repeat of some of what I'd said the night before; the second was a young person I know who is still caught up in the 'filling the void' rigamarole of romantic relationships, and is spinning in the wind now that their latest broke it off with them.

M got two parking tickets, the second of which he got zapped with, yesterday, and even as he needed to rant to someone (me) he still took the time to check on me as well, once he'd vented his frustrations.

A part of what's been going on has to do with my own codependency and allowing others to ignore my boundaries. I've put my self-foot down on that.

Another part has to do with the increasing chaos that is the start of that last period before the "end times" as prophecied across virtually all known major religions. We're seeing a repeat of the 70's gas wars. The economy is crumbling, despite all the bullshit the federal government and the mass media tell you (might wanna see this article here, for starters). Christianity, the major religion in this country and much of the Western world, is being ill-led, and ill-served, by a handful of vocal (and rich) Domionionists. Our federal government is warmongering illegally in the heartland of the very area some think Armagheddon will occur - and now, despite overwhelming casualties both of the military and the civilian kind, and the glaring facts that traditional warfare cannot hope to overcome guerilla warfare - is also threatening nuclear strikes on the next-door neighbor, Iran. Insanity runs rampant while home after home gets foreclosed, gas prices line the pockets of the rich while making it increasingly impossible for the average person to drive to work. More and more countries, sick and tired of the insanity pouring out of our country (as well as insult after insult) are turning their backs, politically, financially, and otherwise. The Euro is gradually taking the place of the U.S. dollar as the base currency, moving Europe into a position of being the superpower, even as our leaders wave their sabres and boast of never backing down. This country is obviously becoming two-class - poor and rich - and the rich are forgetting that they wouldn't be where they are, without those counted amongst the poor. A vast majority of the American Rich have enough money to purchase the planet, ten times over, and they're still not satisfied, nor do they care that they are destroying the very consumers who make them all this money.

Us disabled folk have traditionally been on the poor end of the economic spectrum. As the rich seek to become richer, and buy the politicians who determine our collective future, we are faced with the crisis represented by eroding support and benefits. See, to them, we are truly invisible; even if they ended up amongst our ranks, they'd never be poor, with their great caches of blood money. All the poor have become invisible, but the disabled, most of all. Nobody stops to think of how we will survive if they destroy the very support programs that pay for our ability to lead somewhat normal lives. The able poor resent us for costing the government money, even though the cost of our support is relatively minimal compared to the billions spent, every day, to wage the war in the Middle East. It is relatively minimal compared to the tax dollars wasted on pork barrel pet projects, and a thousand other examples of fiscal irresponsibility which riddles the budget of this country. Some day, we may cease to be invisible as a group and may come to be persecuted for things we can't control, even as our persecutors sit one eye-blink away from joining our very ranks.

When will the insanity end?

I don't know, but, sitting here just past midnight, the very contemplation of it saps what little mental energy I do have left.