The Wanderings of a Fanciful Muse

There have been quite a few changes over the past couple of weeks.

Gothic, who had pretty much worn out her welcome with all active players in the clan, left for another clan. She's also spreading lies about us; she told a whopper to buddi and he decided to leave with her. So be it, buddi wasn't that big of a participant anyway.

Willy and I decided to split up. We both have different reasons and I'll leave it at that. We're still on talking terms.

I nearly sold Isle of Anu because with Willy's contribution gone, it's made it very hard on me to keep funding the SL sim along with both Inworldz sims. Several people stepped up to assist me however, both in getting my empty plots filled and the residents themselves approving a modest increase in rent. My rent has been the same the entire time I've had that island, so an increase isn't that far out of the question.

Today, as I write this, I find myself feeling the first true pangs of loneliness. When you've been with the same virtual world partner nearly all of your virtual life, it's really hard to be single again. I have nobody to go out on a date with. I have nobody to curl up at night with. There are a thousand things you come to take for granted in a relationship that you don't quite notice until they're gone. It's not that different from a RL relationship. I also miss the RL part of our relationship - frequent phone calls and texts. My cell has been very quiet since the breakup.

I suppose I should try to date others again. Willy said in his profile that I should keep the good times in my heart. I do...and I miss them. I don't miss our arguments and the pain we caused each other, though. There seem to be too many differences to keep ignoring, anymore.

Ideally I'd like to find someone who not only shares the same things that used to be differences, but can also help run our clan and fund the land for it...someone who is talented, imaginative, thoughtful and affectionate.

I may have to take one club down and set that corner of the sim up for rent in USD...don't know what else to do...

As some of you know, we are trying to build a roleplayer base for our Bloodlines clan.

We are doing our best to find a "happy medium" between White Wolf's "Vampire: the Masquerade" (otherwise known as V:tM) and Bloodlines on Second Life. In order to do that, we've begun setting some ground rules. A good example is that if someone is vampire at all (that includes hybrids) - they are dead. They cannot have children the natural way. There are a lot of Bloodlines players on Second Life that don't really know how to play a vampire, and have babies and whatnot. If they truly wish to immerse themselves in the role, they have to accept that they are dead, and so is their ability to have children.

We also have a very hard line against drama, and if we have a player who is constantly creating drama - and we're not talking about the kind that happens during routine roleplay - they get one chance. If they don't clean up their act, they're out.

We have already ejected and banned one member for extremely abusive drama. Not only did he fail to show my character any respect, he constantly defied orders, and mixed way too much "real life" in with the roleplay. He played people off one another, lied a lot, and abused the girl he got engaged to, to the point where she didn't eat for 4 days, IRL. He'd already had one chance and he more than blew it.

What has he done since then? We found out that you can still pay someone who has blocked you. Go figure. They can't send you things, they can't talk to you, but they can pay you? He was doing it to get his ex's attention. She'd unblock him long enough to tell him to stop and then they'd be going round-for-round again. He was telling her we didn't want her but kept her around anyway. He was telling her all kinds of things meant to make her feel bad - and they did. He even told Willy that she was planning to make an alt character to be with him and/or leave our clan. I know the last to be a baldfaced lie because she asked me to promise her that I wouldn't ever let him back in the clan. Finally, we got her to block him, and instructed her on how to file an Abuse Report should he keep paying her to get her attention.

We had another guy come to us, that had a boatload of souls, and wanted to be in a clan that was more traditional - which is what we were shooting for. He turned out to be a flake. First of all, he was in bed with all of his female minons, literally - and that's all he had. Second, he and his RL girlfriend were mixing way too much RL and SL. She was going to leave him for her SL lover, and gave him till the end of July to find a place to live. He was having a relationship with the head of another clan, who offered to take him in. He didn't care for her stiplulations, however - dump the subs and be exclusive to her, in RL and in SL. In the meantime, he and his RL decided to give their relationship another chance, so he told this clan leader he wouldn't be moving in with her. She, in turn, said all kinds of hurtful things about him and his "girls" to her clanmates. I stood in their castle's living room and listened as they related the drama, up to and including one of his girls crying over the microphone.

I reassured them all that they would not have that kind of drama with us, and I thought we were headed toward an exciting future. A couple of days later, I sent an instant message to our group chat, and what was this guy doing? Having sex with his "girls". Obviously they weren't interested in more "meaningful" interaction.

Yesterday, he messages Willy and informs him that he is quitting our clan, that there wasn't enough interaction. Then, I find out what really happened. He returned to the clan he just left, headed up by the woman who wanted him for herself. Evidently, she followed through on her promise of an "RP sim" that he could exclusively set up. Obviously, nothing that was said or done mere days before counted, anymore - and we and our clan were the ones that lost out.

This guy actually joined and left us, twice. The first time was when he was on the outs with his RL girlfriend and he, as he put it, "wanted to make sure his minions were fed while he worked out what he was going to do." Did he talk to me, first? Nope. I would have gladly kept them safe and fed. It was two days later that he rejoined us, using his alt account, bringing his main account and all his souls and "girls" with him.

Inside of a week, he was lieged, delieged, lieged and delieged. Flake!

I am beginning to wonder if there are any stable adults, with their heads on halfway straight, who love to roleplay and are on Second Life. I'm beginning to think those that are, are already in groups and just as suspicious of newcomers as we have become. All I know is I am fed up with the sociopaths, abusers, and flakes we've already run across. It takes a great deal to get me angry, and I was fuming, yesterday.

Abuser #1 accused me of being "elitist". The only possible way he could've gotten that is (a) I won't stand for abusive drama, and (b) We would like to have some actual guidelines to our roleplay so it's not a free-for-all. Tell you what - if that makes me "elitist", then I wear the tag proudly.

If he called me "elitist" because I tend to get quiet in big groups, then that shows he does not know me at all (he doesn't). I'm not being aloof, I'm being genuinely shy. It takes me awhile to warm up to others, and that's true for Willy as well. Meeting a crowd just once usually isn't enough for either one of us to loosen up.

Yes, I am co-leader of our Clan. Yes, that means I interface with others more than many others do. And yes - it takes an effort for me to do so. At the same time, I know for a fact that I'm polite, kind, and cheerful with most folks.

For right now, I think Willy and I are just going to take it easy and maybe work on building projects. Dealing with people like I've outlined above can take a lot out of you, even if you're like me and you try not to let them get under your skin.

I would just be happy if a couple of genuine roleplayers came along...

I am calling this "the lost week" simply because it was too damned hot to do anything, even indoors.

It got SO hot early in the week (high on Monday was 110) that the swamp cooler was overwhelmed and no matter what you did, it was warm in the house. The thermometer on my little window a/c unit in the bedroom was reading mid-to-high 80s.

Then, the monsoonal moisture moved in, and the humidity shot up outside - once again defeating the swamp cooler. I was cool but damp all over.

Then this evening the weather switched entirely and my joints all said UGH, as well as my sinuses.

Sandy is hopefully coming over tomorrow and he and M can start sorting out the jumble of belongings occupying our living and dining room. I don't anticpate doing very much because just thinking about it makes my back hurt (literally).

Miss this guy...

Today I spent thinking about how things change, how they stay the same, and how I don't feel as old as I am.

As of Tuesday, I'll be 52. "52" to me is old, stodgy, prudish. I'm none of those things and I doubt I ever will be. I look at my face in the mirror and ask "How did you get this old? Why does it feel like you've missed out on so much?"

I feel like I have so much more life to live...and, as long as I am walking this earth, I plan to live it.

That is...once I get a high-and-mighty bitch off my back. I have been avoiding wrangling with the credit bureaus after finding out that nothing I paid off cleared in a month as expected. It really twists my nose out of shape that they're quick to slap a debt on there and so damned slow (if ever) to take it off.

I think "How did I get here in this situation?" There are times I regret moving out of my house in Green Bay. I could've refinanced the mortgage, paid off all of my bills, put in new windows and a new garage door, put on a roof, and had Keith re-floor the kitchen and living room for me. That house was MINE and nobody could take it away...not like now. I guess the only thing that can be said is I got taken advantage-of and the nightmare isn't over, yet.

Never, since I purchased my first house in 1986, have I faced a situation where I could be thrown out of my house. Not. Once. I've always paid my housing, above and beyond any other bill I had. I have three paid-off mortgages under my belt.

But none of that matters, now. I wanted to move out west and I'm here. I got caught in a tough situation in 2006 and ended up the victim of a predatory lender, who borrowed money to purchase this place when he already owned it. Instead of working out a deal with me, he elected to foist this place off on the person he conned the money out of, and even though she doesn't have clear title to it, she thinks she can evict me.

Security has always been a central issue for me, starting back in my teens. I wasn't so much affected by my father skipping out on us, as by my mother suddenly becoming a raging, violent alcoholic. She'd always been my anchor in chaos and when she turned on me, I lost that. Even so, I didn't start displaying PTSD symptoms till after Rhod pulled what he did on me. He came home on a Wednesday and handed me his paycheck as usual. He came home the following night and informed me he was moving out and he needed the check back so he could rent a place. Just. Like. That. I found out later it was because his girl-on-the-side refused to part her legs till he moved out on me. Then I found out even later that he'd married me because all his friends told him not to.

*thunk*

I became a hermit for the next 4 years and about the only person I saw was my friend Keith, who refused to let me remain a hermit. Of course, when I stopped being a hermit I was thrown into another bad situation, but that's another story. Let's put it this way: Nobody gets to sit me on a chair and belittle me in front of others, ever again. Nobody gets to trap me and try to force me to make a decision in their favor, ever again.

Then there was M and T. M and I had stopped any sort of physical relationship pretty much since right before I moved west, but a part of me still hoped that something would change. Then T came along, and got invited in, and got everything I'd sat and hoped-for for the past some-odd years. I was devastated. I was angry. I was jealous, and I had cause. It threw me into such a state that my online relationship suffered and then fell apart. Suddenly I was alone and didn't feel I had anyone. Again. PTSD? That's an understatement.

Yes, I came through it and yes, M and I are still companions, albeit without any physical romance. Yes, I got back together with my online beau. Things sailed along just fine until we were dumb enough to put up the Oathbreaker, who then proceeded to steal us blind.

I am still angry over the loss of my family's years-long collection of silver coins but I know I'll never see them again.

Then, just as soon as we get rid of her for good, here comes the Holier-than-Thou-Runs-Off-To-Help-Impoverished-In-Mexico. Obviously she was "taken care of" from her birth all the way through her marriage, because she doesn't have a lick of horse sense. Yes, she ran off and joined the Peace Corps in her 60s, but so what? For all intents and purposes, she did it for the prestige. She may think of herself as altruistic but that altruism ends when it comes to a low-income, disabled person right under her own nose. I tried to work with the woman but because she doesn't have clear title to this mobile home, we were advised to ignore her. Well...she got herself one of the worst lawyers in the area and decided to sue to evict me from a house she doesn't even own. When her lawyer began his harassment I was thrown into PTSD again like there's no tomorrow, until I realized that the papers he was pasting on our front door weren't worth the ink they were printed with. And yet...here I am, and I will lose this house. I could fight for it and probably win, but why? Crack in the roof lets in rain and now there's mold in M's closet. The toilet in the front bathroom was never repaired correctly, resulting in some minor floor damage and a toilet that has to be flushed with a bucket. The cheap carpeting they put on the front steps wore out within a couple of years, and has had to be cut off and prepped for painting. I could go on, but what's the point?

The only point I hoped to make is that my basic security has been an issue for me for most of my life and no matter how many antidepressants I take or counseling I get, it always will be, until I am finally, once again, in a house I can call mine that isn't going to be taken away as long as I pay the mortgage...which I will always do, faithfully.

I do miss green. I was looking at a friend's pictures from Oshkosh, WI and sighing because everything is moist and green. I sincerely wish we could move somewhere where I can have that again but chances are we're going to either stay in this park or move to the one two parks down. Still in the desert, where everything is pretty much brown. I want green. I can still remember my friend from San Diego coming to visit us in Wisconsin years ago and remarking, time and again, how green everything was.

Ah well...I'm off to play a game. Enough thinking for one night.